


Hiraeth

by ShariDeschain



Series: Batdictionary [6]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman and Robin (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 13:41:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8892856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShariDeschain/pseuds/ShariDeschain
Summary: Hiraeth (n) Homesickness, or an intense longing for a home you can't return to, or that never was.Or the one where Jason angsts a lot over Bruce's father skills and ends up volunteering himself to carry a sleeping Damian to bed.





	

**Author's Note:**

> \- Written for the #dashingprompts challenge @ piscinadiprompt. The prompt was _Jason Todd, "There was never butterflies. Just fire." - Six word poem (b.c)_

It's a private moment, so intimate that Bruce's not even willing to share it with the sleeping child he's holding in his arms, not really. Because Damian won't know about any of this. Won't know about the kisses and the caresses, and the gentle nuzzles, and the careful way his father holds him against his chest, the protectiveness in his eyes, the little smile on his lips while he watches him sleep.

It's a private moment, and definitely not something meant for Jason to see, but being in the wrong place at the wrong time is kinda the story of Jason's life, and so here he is, standing in the dark hallway of a house where he doesn't belong anymore, watching a father that he lost a lifetime ago holding a brother that he can't really claim as his own.

And it hurts.

It hurts even if it's unfair on his part, because Damian deserves this, deserves a father that holds and cuddles and cherishes him, and yeah, it would do a lot more good to both of them if said father did all of that while Damian was awake, but Jason thinks they're getting there. It only took four fucked up sons and the death of two of them, but they're getting there. And just because it's too late for him ( _and for Dick, and for Tim_ ) it doesn't mean that Damian shouldn't have it. 

As a matter of fact, Jason's all for giving the brat all of it: a caring father, an adoring older brother, a dysfunctional family ready to go to hell and back in order to bring him home. Because Jason may not be good at this family thing – like, _at all_ – but he wants to watch Damian grow up too, possibly a little less fucked up than the rest of them – although that may be asking for too much, given the kid's family, himself included.

So yeah, he doesn't resent Damian one bit for this, yet it still hurts.

It hurts even if it shouldn't, because Bruce is almost nothing to him now. Gone are the days when he thought of him as a father, gone is the burning anger, and even the betrayal. Jason doesn't know what's left of them nowadays, but whatever it is, it shouldn't be enough to make something inside his stomach turn into stone. It shouldn't be enough to make him feel like this.

It's just– it's the way Bruce holds him. Like a sacred thing. Like the entire world could collapse on itself and it would mean nothing to him because everything important is already safe in his arms. It's the way Bruce looks at him, like a miracle – and _it is_ a miracle, it's been months since they got Damian back and it still feels like a goddamn miracle – and it's alright, it's great, it's how it should've always been, and that's the point. Because he never knew that Batman – _the Batman_ – could do something like this. Because if Bruce had ever looked at Dick like that, it was long before Jason was part of their life, and if he had ever hold Tim like that, it was long after Jason was out of it. As for Jason himself, well, he's not opening that can of worms, not even mentally.

He doesn't notice Bruce raising his head until it's too late, and even then, for some reason, Jason doesn't have the presence of mind to look away. He meets Bruce's eyes with his own, and he doesn't know who's more surprised between the two of them to be caught like this, with their defenses so lowered and their scars so vividly exposed for the other to see. So Jason takes a step back, ready to disappear in the darkness, offering his not-father a silent and very generous _I won't say anything about any of this if you don't_ , but then Bruce does the unthinkable and smiles at him. Like, actually smiles at him. Like, with _fondness_. Oh my god.

“Hi.”

It's a good thing Jason is still too startled to answer, because he feels like the only words his panicking mind could produce right now would probably be along the line of _fuck you, Bruce_. Old habits die harder than him and all of that.

“Everything alright?”, Bruce inquires after a moment, which is probably his polite way of asking what the hell Jason is doing here at the manor.

“Mh”, Jason grunts affirmatively, which is definitely not a good enough answer and he knows that even before Bruce has the chance to actually raise his eyebrows – which he does anyway, because, well, he's Bruce.

“'m workin' on a thing with Tim”, he offers, knowing that it still won't be a good enough answer for Bruce and not caring at all because, well, he's Jason. 

“Thought you'd be on patrol”, he adds.

“That was the idea”, Bruce sighs, then he lowers his eyes again, and Jason follows his gaze. 

Damian's chest rises in synch with his breathing – which is slow, and regular, and well, it's _there_ – and Bruce's hand lingers on it, gently rubbing the fabric of Damian's uniform, the big “R” just above his heart.

And Bruce doesn't have to say that it's hard. That it _hurts_. That some nights even he feels tired. But he doesn't have to look this old either. Or this heartbroken. And mostly important, Jason doesn't have to be here to witness it or, even worst, _understand it_. Private moment, yeah? Bruce used to be a lot better at hiding them, and Jason finds himself pondering about the horrible things that old age does to people.

“Well, you still can. I'm pretty sure the criminals won't mind if you're late”, he eventually spits out, because _honestly, Bruce, what the fuck_. And then, before things could get even more awkward, he steps into the room and reaches out for Damian. “I'll take him to bed.”

Bruce looks up at him, and he's surprised, yes, but there's something else on his face, something that could very well be another smile and. oh. my. god.

Jason grits his teeth and spends a couple of seconds looking like a total idiot, with both of his arms stretched forward in the middle of the living room of his not-house, looking at his not-father holding his not-brother and wondering about what the hell he is doing with his life. Then Bruce stands up from the couch and without a single word dumps the sleeping Robin in his outstretched arms.

The kid is warm and weighs almost nothing, and Jason refuses to look down at him when he feels Damian's head lolling against his shoulder and his little hand gripping the collar of his shirt. Refuses to look up at Bruce too, when he gets close, so damn close, to both him and the kid and bends over to kiss Damian's forehead. Refuses to inhale the familiar smell of the Batman's costume mixed with the faintest traces of Bruce's cologne. Refuses to acknowledge the hand on his shoulder and the way his not-father is now looking at _both_ of them. Like they're a miracle.

But Jason won't have any of this shit. This is Dick's place, his role, his family. Not Jason's. He's just in the wrong place at the wrong time once more.

Luckily for both of them, Bruce decides to not push it further.

“Thank you, Jay”, it's all he says before walking out of the room.

“Mh”, Jason answers, way too late for him to hear. Then he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, inadvertently squeezing Damian, who predictively doesn't appreciate the gesture.

The boy stirs a little in his arms, and Jason finally looks down at him. The brat's cute when he's asleep, Jason realizes. He's also going to put a knife somewhere in Jason's body if he wakes up and finds himself cuddled against him. Their relationship may have improved since their first meeting, but probably not this much.

He still allows himself to take Bruce's spot on the couch and cradle the kid closer to him. Just for a few minutes, he promises himself, because that's all he needs. Just a few minutes to breathe straight again and to clear his head of the hundreds of words that were not said, that will probably never be said. A few minutes to make sense of all of this. Nobody will know, not Bruce and not Damian. Because Jason's so much better at this private moment thing, honestly.

**Author's Note:**

> And then probably Damian wakes up, after a moment of wtf stabs Jason, then goes after Bruce too 'cause HOW DARE YOU LEAVING ME BEHIND. This family, I swear.


End file.
